I have been drinking coffee since Tuesday and it's pretty much changed my life.

My reasons for not drinking coffee until now were simply that I thought it was "yucky." Dutch claims that it was a source of pride for him, but not me. I just didn't like the taste. When I was waiting tables the summer before starting law school, I became convinced that I needed to transform into a coffee drinker. I pictured law students staying up all night, coffee cups littering the table, overflowing ashtrays, buried under books and paper. I wasn't willing to take up smoking, but coffee I thought I could handle. For a week, at the start of every shift, I made myself a cup that was equal parts coffee, half and half, and sugar. But I couldn't drink it -- it was disgusting. It didn't dawn on me that the restaurant where I worked (mostly known for its overpriced margaritas, pathetic attempts at "wet" burritos, and Jimmy Buffett cover bands) might not have produced the best coffee. After all, I made it.

So the years passed coffee free. I convinced myself that whatever I was missing from coffee could be compensated for in diet coke. I mean, caffeine is caffeine, right?

At the back of my mind, however, was always the feeling that I was missing out on some crucial element of the human experience. It may be because both of my parents (heck, all four if you count the steps) are the type of people that wake up in our coffee-maker-less apartment, and before fully dressing, venture out into the fog in the throes of jet-lag searching for any coffee shop open during the wee hours of the morning. Sure, I was glad to be free of the addiction, and watching my father's feeble attempts to kick the habit once or twice a year were helpful reminders, but still -- I always wondered.

Wondering wasn't enough for me to dive in, though. What finally caused me to flirt with addiction and break the no-coffee-bond with Dutch is the coffee bean's bowel moving prowess. I used to be the sort of pooper who took pooping for granted, who never thought about it and certainly never talked or wrote about it, who did it once a day and moved on. But with pregnancy comes pregancy hormones, and with that came constipation. And unfortunately, Juniper's birth did not restore my GI tract and colon to their wonderful, problem-free, pre-pregnancy state. Instead, the issues, they have continued. My only guess is that the breastfeeding hormones keep things moving less than smoothly, but really, who knows. All I know is that I spend more time pondering my poop than I spend keeping up with Plamegate. And that, my folks, is too bad.

I have tried fiber. I have consumed excessive amounts of water. I eat apples all the time. I draw the line at prune juice, but since it's been 9 months and things are still troublesome, I have now added coffee to my arsenal. And goddamn it's wonderful. I contemplate breaking into song when I leave the bathroom after my post-coffee poo. It's amazing.

Not to mention that the caffeine is nothing short of revolutionary -- colors are brighter, things move slower and I move faster, I have an increased ability to focus. Alcohol and pot were never appealing drugs for me. I am already very chill and often quite sleepy. Why increase that effect? But caffeine? Here's a drug I can get behind.

The only drawback so far is that I think it's passing over into my breastmilk. Hard to tell, since Juniper is a generally crappy sleeper and there could be lots of reasons for increased waking at night, but I'm loathe to make that worse. I'm devising elaborate drinking and pumping plans, and I'm convinced that there is a way to engage in this new habit without passing it on to the baby. I'll keep you posted.