1. Blossom just had a baby. Hooray for Blossom!

Seriously, the fact that I have to fucking know that Blossom had a baby is proof positive that this stupid fucking celebrity baby thing has gone too far. I used to think this was just one of those things like shopping for a car and starting to actually watch car commercials or not understanding all those little sayings the frat boys in the back of your class keep repeating until you finally see The Big Lebowski, i.e. when your wife gets knocked up you start seeing pregnant chicks everywhere at various stages of pregnancy. You never noticed pregnant chicks at all before but now you're staring at them like you used to stare at those fold-out pages in National Geographic with the monkey man walking through the ages to evolve into some guy who might possibly resemble your Uncle Mort whose hairy body once traumatized you in the showers at the YMCA when you were a kid. So that's six months. . .eight months. . .nine months. Jeebus. Yikes. Simone de Bouvier would probably say your fear is how you cope with the intense guilt and shame you feel when you look at these women and know you could never be man enough to withstand that, to let something grow inside you and cram your viscera against itself like it's in one of those rooms with the moving walls that Indiana Jones and Luke Skywalker get trapped in. That is, until your wife's pregnancy hormones kick in full gear and things pick up in the boudoir and you realize pregnant chicks are hot.

For a while there I thought with blissful optimism that these celebrity babies had been out there all along, celebrity babies always being named names that people just love to talk about in their cubicles, all of these things I just hadn't noticed until they became relevant to me.

But I'm willing to turn into my father for a minute and say "No, I think things are getting worse, far worse, son." People care so much about these celebrity babies nowadays that I have to see a top story in yahoo news about Blossom having a baby. Blossom? It's not like she's married to Uncle Jesse or the guy who produces that show where Ashton Kushner plays mean tricks on people I hate.

2. What has Blossom been doing since her show was cancelled in 1995, ending Joey Lawrence and his moppet brothers' reign as the kings of Tiger Beat magazine as well as crushing the hopes of ten thousand unattractive jewesses that they, too, might one day become TV stars? Well, I found out that in addition to working on her Ph.D. in neuroscience, Blossom has guest starred on Curb Your Enthusiasm, Fat Actress, and even co-starred in a movie written and produced by two girls with whom I went to high school but remember even less than Derek Jeter. The movie is called Kalamazoo? and seems to be a straight-to-DVD chick flick about three women in their late twenties who have to dig up a time capsule at their ten-year high school reunion before it explodes.

3. I skipped my actual high school reunion, which was held last weekend. If the trailer for this movie is at all accurate, I'm sure I missed all kinds of madcap hijinks and a bit of choreographed conflict and ultimately a heartwarming ending.

4. Some of my friends were actually extras in this movie. In one scene, filmed at the best microbrewery in the country, my beefy ex-fullback friend was told by the wardrobe person that he had to wear this ridiculously tight cyclist jersey around the bar while socializing with the stars. Seeing my muscle-bound friend wearing a whimpy cyclist jersey will be worth the rental price of this movie for me.

5. That same friend, who is very single, told me he spent the entire time on set flirting shamelessly with Blossom, who he described as "kinda fat and really stuck up." When asked why he made such a valiant, prolonged effort to get in her pants, he replied, "Dude, it was Blossom." This line of reasoning may explain how Corey Feldman and Vanilla Ice still get laid.

6. Seeing my beefy friend wearing a tight cyclist jersey flirting with Blossom might make this movie worth owning. The movie also stars Josie Davis (The prudish sister Sarah from Charles in Charge) and the mom from E.T.

If they could have gotten V.I.C.I. the Robot girl from Small Wonder to play the other chick I would go to the theater to see this one. I'll bet that chick is totally hot now, even hotter than Punky Brewster (also a new mom) turned out to be. You know how some couples have a list of movie stars who they can hook up with without any repurcussions? Well, if Wood and I had such a thing, the chick who played Vicki the robot would be on the top of my list. I mean, she can turn her head all the way around like Linda Blair (without the pea soup) and get hooked up to jumper cables and stuff. That's some hot shit!
Or maybe Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years. I'll bet she's hot now too. I read somewhere that she is like a mathematical genius at MIT or something. Now if only I were as smooth as Parker Lewis. . .synchronize swatches, bitches!

7. I shouldn't really have to know that Blossom had a baby, and I wouldn't if it weren't for the celebrity baby craze. But I guess I'd rather find out what's happening to her than read the latest story about Katie Holmes. Wood once told me that she thought she and Eminem could be friends. I questioned her about this and requested support for that proposition and she just kind of shrugged her shoulders and said she had a feeling. Well I feel that way about these girls who were famous at twelve when I was twelve, women who now have no fame but the ghosts of the past in their faces. They are like old friends from a time of innocence. These are girls who keep acting in B Movies or appear faintly as background characters on network shows or girls who just go to college and have to explain to people at parties that they were the girl robot on that show that used to be on with the nosy redheaded neighbor named Harriet. . . I feel like women like that probably have a lot more to say than the latest curvy publicist's dream having her bump watched in the pages of Us Weekly.