Flames!

Posted by jdg | Tuesday, May 02, 2006 | ,

Wood and I don't agree about everything, but we are pretty much in agreement about clothing with flames. We both feel strongly that flames belong on Von Dutch hot rods and on Sandra Bullock's husband, not on clothing.

We hate clothing with flames so much that I am actually starting to kind of love it. I have been trying to get in touch with my 10-year-old boy sense of awesomeness lately, and I am half tempted to buy one of those Charlie Sheenesque untuckable black shirts with FLAMES creeping up from the bottom and wear it to surprise Wood when she's with some of her fancypants mom friends. A girl who used to intimidate the crap out of me in college recently wrote about a game she and her boyfriend play along the lines of "What's grosser than gross" where they ask each other:

"What if you went home from the bar one night with a girl/guy that seemed really cool at the time but when you woke up in the morning you discovered that he/she (fill in the blank)?" Such as, "he always wears an ironic cowboy hat (or a flame shirt) but didn't have it on at the bar. . ."

That cracked my shit up. What if Wood suddenly found out the father of her child liked to walk around town adorned in flames?

Why do people wear flame clothing? Probably for the same reason you see guys walking around in leather coats elaborately embroidered with scenes from Scarface: because they can. The website flamewear.com boasts several plausible explanations for why people wear flame clothing:

YOUR BIKE AND CAR WEAR FLAMES...WHY DON'T YOU? Looking for hot clothes? Are flames your style? Want to fire up your wardrobe, your house, or increase the heat in your love life? Then stand back, because you've found Flamewear!

I can't argue with that logic. Nothing says, "I'm fucking hot!" like clothing that gives the illusion of being on cartoon fire.

And thank god we found those sunglasses abandoned on the train at Fairyland. I am totally going to build a flame wardrobe around them for Juniper. Because whereas I tend to dress myself like a mennonite or itinerant Bible salesman, I can pretty much force her to wear whatever I want. And just my luck: they make flame baby legs. Awesome.