Golly

Wow, I sure am glad Gwyneth Paltrow decided to name her second child "Moses."

Seriously, God's chosen peeps have been wandering around for centuries with white-unleavened-bread old testament names like Elijah and Noah and Daniel and Jacob and Solomon and David, and according to the social security administration's list of popular names, plenty of goyim are going after that old testament flavor too.

Ever the trendsetter, leave it to Gwyneth to go after the big one: Moses.

See, while there are certain biblical names that are totally normalized, there are a few that would still raise an eyebrow these days. And one of those is the name I wanted to give Juniper had she been a boy. At the top of my list:

Goliath.

You think I'm kidding, but I'm so not. I'm dead serious.

I wanted a strong, powerful name. I knew that any son of mine might be destined to be diminutive, bookish, and quite possible gay. And I'm totally cool with that, but how much better would a diminutive bookish gay guy be if he was named Goliath? Sure, high school would be hard, but it's so passe to consider schoolyard taunting when naming a child. Taunting builds character; what you have to consider are the collegiate dividends. Goliath is so the name of a big man on campus. Imagine Goliath at a college party, doing a keg stand while everyone shouts his name. All the girls will want to know who Goliath is. If he were to turn out gay, imagine the reception he'd get at the gay bars. "Goliath's here!" the bouncer would shout. That's when the party really starts.

Wood was never as keen on the name Goliath as I was, but now that Gwyneth has bestowed her newborn son with the kickass name of Moses, here's to the hope that Wood will be more receptive to the name Goliath when the next baby rolls into town.

Because imagine a little tiny newborn infant named Goliath. Imagine a toddler named Goliath. I know you're nodding your head at the awesomeness of that right now. Don't even try to deny it.