The Little Lebowski, Part 2

[The following is the second fragment of the script for "The Little Lebowski," a sequel to the Big Lebowski that thankfully was never made; parts of the proposed script were recovered by an associate at the Sepulveda Boulevard Kinkos in Van Nuys, CA, after a frazzled Ethan Coen rushed in to copy a small stack of typewritten pages, accidentally leaving several in the recycling bin. The first fragment is here. Note: if you have not seen the movie, this will not make any sense]

BOWLING PINS
There is the sound of pins scattering in the background noise of the bowling alley. The Dude is leaning his head against a pay phone set between the lockers and the men's room. Walter stands near him, staring down the barrel of a plastic Uzi submachine gun pointed at the screen of a shoot-em-up-style arcade game called 'Operation Wolf.' The Dude keeps entering numbers into the telephone.

DUDE
What the fuck is wrong with me, I can never remember the code for my goddamn machine!

WALTER
Um, might that not have something to do with all of that marijuana you've been smoking there, Dude? I'll tell you what, once my band of brothers in 'Nam started smoking that stuff, their short-term memories as well as their hand-to-hand-combat skills deteriorated. You think the fucking gooks were smoking dope down the tunnels with their rat balls and rice meat?

DUDE
It's not the pot, Walter. I'm pretty sure pot got all the brain cells it was ever going to take from me twenty years ago. I think I'm just getting old, man.

WALTER
[screaming at video game] Goddamn it I shot that last goddamn canister of life potion! [turns to the dude] Well, it's about time you got a cell phone anyways.

DUDE
We've had this conversation, Walter. The Dude does not do cell phones.

WALTER
All I'm saying is that you don't have to know a fucking code to check your voicemail when you've got a fucking cell phone.

DUDE
First of all, Walter, this is my answering machine, not voicemail. Second of all. . .well fuck it I can't remember what's second of all. See what I'm talking about?

WALTER
Well, I still don't understand why a call from that fucking strumpet should take precedence over practice for the league quarterfinals.

DUDE
Watch it, man, that's the mother of my son you're talking about.

WALTER
Sorry, Dude.

DUDE
Walter, I'm just not in any position to turn down, you know, any vagina that comes my way. Until last month I hadn't been with a real woman for over two years. Not since that checker girl from Ralph's I met at Smokey's barbecue.

WALTER
That's nothing. Unless you count Suki down at the Tokyo Spa down on Lincoln Boulevard, I haven't been with a woman since 1987.

DUDE
Christ, Walter. Well, anyway, the two last times I brought the kid back after my Saturday with him, well, you know, Maude and I, we've ended up sharing, you know, the physical act of love.

WALTER
You mean coitus?

DUDE
That's exactly what I mean, Walter.

WALTER
Way to go, Dude! If you will it, it is no dream.

DUDE
Yeah, well, I don't think this has just been fun and games. I saw her doing that leg thing.

WALTER
Oh. I see. When we were married, Cynthia always wanted more than one kid.

DUDE
Don't she and Marty Ackerman have two kids now?

WALTER
Shira and Ben, yeah, they're sweet kids.

DUDE
She named her daughter She-ra? Like the Princess of Power?

WALTER
Dude, you're such a shlemiel. Shira is the Hebrew word for 'song.'

DUDE
Oh. [dials again] I think I got it!

MAUDE'S VOICE
[on the machine] Jeffrey this is Maude. I need for you to come up here this evening. I'm sending the driver. If he doesn't find you at home, I've instructed him to look for you at that odious bowling parlor you frequent. This is important Jeffrey. It is in regard to your son.

END SCENE

MAUDE'S LOFT

[Dude walks in humming Suzie Q., turns on a light, clearly now at ease in the unusual space. He walks over to the bar and fixes himself a White Russian after sniffing the carton of half-n-half.]

DUDE
Maude? You here?

MAUDE [voice coming from the darkness of the cavernous space]
I'm just finishing putting Egon to bed, Jeffrey, I'll be out in a minute. Make yourself a drink.

DUDE
Yeah, uh, Maude, you know, I've been thinking about what's happened, um, the last couple of times I've come here. And I'm not really sure it's such a good idea.

[Maude steps out from a private room in one corner of the loft; she is wearing a bathrobe with cleavage indicating that it's all she's wearing]

MAUDE
Why, whatever do you mean, Jeffrey?

DUDE
I mean, the sex.

MAUDE
You're not interested in sex?

DUDE
It's just. Well, Maude, it's just I'm not sure I'm ready to have another kid, man.

MAUDE
Whoever said anything about having another child, Jeffrey?

DUDE
I saw you doing, you know, that leg thing the last time, you know, while I was walking off to take a piss.

MAUDE
[pauses] Right. It's true, Jeffrey. I do want another child. I would like to give little Egon a sister. He is nearly three-years old now and all of the texts I have been reading suggest that this the perfect age for him to have a sibling. Besides, having Egon hasn't turned out nearly as bad as you thought, has it?

DUDE
No. I do actually kind of like the little guy. We do have some fun times. But something tells me that having two is just going to be a lot more work, man. A lot more of a strain on the Dude's lifestyle, you know what I'm trying to say.

MAUDE
If you won't help me, Jeffrey, I may be forced to find another source of semen. Or I might even pick out one of those baby girls next time I'm in Beijing. But I would prefer my children to fully share their genetic makeup. Dr. R. Trivers has suggested that the normal antipathies of sibling rivalry are tempered when the siblings share genes, providing an evolutionary motivation for love between them. I have been doing a great deal of reading about sibling relationships. All of my understanding is theoretical, of course, as I am an only child and want nothing more than to provide Egon with a sibling, thus sparing him the loneliness I knew as a child. Do you have any siblings, Jeffrey?

DUDE
I have a sister. She's a lawyer in Atlanta.

MAUDE
Is she older or younger?

DUDE
Older.

MAUDE
Very good. You understand, don't you Jeffrey? I need you.

DUDE
Well, I suppose it would require us to adhere to a pretty strict, uh, sex regimen, you know, to keep my testicles limber?

MAUDE
Au Contraire, Jeffrey, I would ask that you abstain from any onanistic behaviors over the next several months. You must refrain from any 'servicing of yourself,' or 'jerking off' to use the parlance of our times. I need you to avoid 'any hand-to-gland combat,' and ask you to stop 'tickling your trout,' as it were.

DUDE
Um, Maude, you know, that's a lot to ask of the Dude.

MAUDE
Actually, I don't care what you do with your rod or your johnson so long as you do not waste your ejaculate. So you can 'pound your pud' as much as you'd like, but please refrain from 'busting a nut' or 'tossing off' what I need you to have in full supply.

DUDE
Oh come on, Maude, that's like asking me to drink non-alcoholic beer. Or smoke industrial-grade hemp.

MAUDE
Regardless, Jeffrey, I expect the only place for you to shoot any of that sperm of yours these next few months is into my vaginal canal. And only when my OBGYN tells me that I might be ovulating.

DUDE
Mmmm. Sounds like fun.

MAUDE
Yes, well, also if you don't already I would ask you to start wearing boxer shorts.

DUDE
Clearly you do not know the Dude. The Dude does not do briefs.

MAUDE
And now is not the time for him to start. And Jeffrey, how much actual marijuana do you smoke every day?

DUDE
OK, let's not even go there. That is a battle I do not think you can win. Besides, man, I'm not even sure I want another kid. I've just got my new rug, you know, and. . .and my place is looking all together and I'm pretty comfortable with the arrangement we have now, man. The first kid really, you know, shook things up in old Duder's life as it is, you know, and I'm just afraid another one would. . .

MAUDE
Let me ease your fears, Jeffrey. I certainly wouldn't expect any more of your time with a second child than what you already give to the first, which is more than adequate. Those six hours each month are more than I expected, to be sure. And if I am lucky enough to give birth to a girl, Jeffrey, I would not mind it at if I could rear her alone. I would like to shield her from all patriarchal and paternal influence.

DUDE
Huh. Why do you even want another kid? What about, uh, all those Achievers?

MAUDE
Yes, well, I want another of my own. [Maude rolls her eyes] Recently I was speaking with my father, and he told me that Brandt and his lover had adopted a baby girl, and he wanted me to bring Egon over there so we could all take a look at the poor thing. When we arrived and I held her in my arms for the first time I said to myself, "I have got to get another one of these." I have since been channeling all these maternal emotions into a new set of paintings using my bungee ceiling harness and menstrual fluid. You know, Jeffrey, I've made so many of these paintings I've had to farm out more menses blood from some women down in Tijuana. You are welcome to take a look at my paintings if you'd like.

DUDE
No. Thank you.

MAUDE
Very well. Another reason that I want to have another child now rather than later is that I look forward to ridding my home of all of these miserable plastic toys and furniture as soon as possible. I do wonder if I could get Assa Ashuach to design me some nursery furniture. I'm afraid he'd find me a bit tedious now that I've bred.

DUDE
Uh-huh.

MAUDE
Jeffrey, we certainly don't need to have sex tonight if you don't desire it. Relax, 'do a jay,' as you like to say. Finish your drink, I'll make you another. We could just talk.

[The Dude dutifully pulls a small joint out of his front-shirt pocket and Maude holds out an old-fashioned cigarette lighter. Maude then reaches for a drink next to the Dude, and her nipple slips out of her bathrobe. She doesn't notice it for a second, but when she does she coyly looks at him and covers it up. The Dude chokes on smoke a little]

DUDE
So what do you want to talk about?

MAUDE
Jeffrey, have I ever showed you up close how the carpets match the drapes?

DUDE
What are you talking about, man, the floor in here is all concrete. Oh. Right.

[End scene]