The Sweet Juniper November Index

Posted by jdg | Wednesday, November 08, 2006 | ,

Likelihood that Dutch would dine on Kraft macaroni & cheese with hot dog chunks on any given weekday while he was working as a corporate lawyer: 0 in 0.

Likelihood that Dutch dines on Kraft macaroni & cheese with hot dog chunks on any given weekday now that he is a stay-at-home dad: 1 in 3.

Average percentage change in the likelihood that Dutch will speak to you in an animated matter about how much better it is to use plain, full-fat yogurt rather than milk should you happen to bring up cooking Kraft macaroni & cheese now that he is a stay-at-home dad: 100.

Average number of frozen peas consumed by Juniper during the last three months (in pounds): 11.

Average percentage of those peas consumed uncooked (still frozen): 75.

Number of failed attempts Dutch has made to convince Juniper that edamame beans are actually "just big peas": 4.

Percentage of his former salary Dutch makes writing for blogging baby: 4.

Number of pages in Dutch's unfinished novel that he started writing in 2003: 646.

Number of pages long it probably should be: 323.

Number of pages he's written since starting this blog: 6.

Number of pages he's cut from the manuscript: 11.

Percentage likelihood that Dutch has a problem with self editing: 100.

Estimated percentage of visitors Dutch believes come to this site solely for the shadenfreudic value, or to marvel at what a dickhead he is: 28.

Percentage Wood thinks Dutch is full of shit when he expresses such concerns to her: 84.

Average number of times per day Dutch and Wood discuss shutting down this blog completely: 3.

Estimated chance that Dutch would see an individual selling heroin on his morning bus commute through the Tenderloin in San Francisco: 1/2.

Number of drug deals Dutch has seen in two months of living in downtown Detroit: 0.

Number of unconscious junkies Dutch had to step over in San Francisco while they were sprawled on the steps to Juniper's daycare center with a needle still stuck between their toes: 1.

Number of unconscious junkies the Junipers have encountered in Detroit: 0.

Estimated number of months Dutch believes it will take before he and Juniper discover a dead body in a pile of smelly clothes and paint cans in front of some graffiti-covered wall in Detroit: 4.

Likelihood that Dutch, Wood, and Juniper will move to the suburbs: 0.

Estimated percentage of readers of this site will think Dutch and Wood are sell outs for accepting advertising revenue: 90.

Estimated percentage who will think they are exploiting their child: 44.

Estimated percentage of readers Dutch believes will fill out this survey to show what cultured, intelligent, and savvy consumers they are, after he begs them to do it ("please, I beg you, fill out this survey. . .") : 22.

Number of slaps from the ol' cat o' nine tails Dutch will inflict upon himself in a brutal (but satisfying) self-flagellation session later this afternoon for even asking his readers to do this: 17.

Figures cited are the latest available as of November, 2006. Sources are Dutch's imagination.