Experiments in unorthodox labor inducement #7: Vinyl womb torture

"Well that didn't work. What now?"

"He's just too comfortable in there. Remember how they were able to get all those enemy combatants in Guantanamo to admit all kinds of stuff by playing rap and Barney songs really loud? Maybe if we play some really annoying records really close to your belly, he'll go crazy and want to escape. Like Manuel Noriega."

"Let's start with some Twitty."

"Conway Twitty looked just like my grandpa."

"Yeah, kind of, but with a 'fro instead of that slicked-back mobster hair."

"It always creeped me out as a kid because Twitty's such a pimp. He's like the Barry White of country music. Every one of his songs is about cheating or getting some."

"Mmmm. Tight Fittin' Jeans. This is a good song."

"Yeah, too good. Let's switch up."

[Reading from the album sleeve] "The calliope is essentially a thing of the past. With its passing, an age passed as well. There was a time when the cheerful tootling of the calliope served as a gay and gaudy herald for old-time circuses, menageries, and county fairs."

"It's like a Zamboni pipe organ. Pretty gay, alright."

"Calliope was not the muse of crappy music."

"You know why there aren't calliopes around anymore? Because Satan bought them all up to provide a soundtrack for hell."

"Who was Denny McClain?"

"The greatest Tigers pitcher of the 60s, and the last pitcher to win 30 games in one season. A well-known philanderer and gambler, too, as well as an accomplished organist."

"Why is he playing 'The Look of Love' as an instrumental on an organ?"

"I think Burt Bacharach should be interpreted by more major league baseball all-stars on Hammond X-77 organs."

"Ewww, put that calliope record back on."

"I took this one from my Grandma. I just like the picture of his church on the back. The Cathedral of Tomorrow."

"If I could go to that church, I would totally be a repressed patriotic homophobe."

"Oh my god, turn it off before we turn this wombling into a Republican."

"This record is actually pretty good."

"Yeah, and she's hot, too."

"Way hot."

"Dear 1980 Tanya Tucker, can you be my dreamlover?"

"This album is the answer to the question What would it sound like if Neil Young tried to make a Kraftwerk album?"

"I don't think anyone ever asked that question."

"I own it on CD, too."

"You should never admit that to anyone."

"Remember that scene in The Sopranos when Tony wants to back out from a contract for a beach house but the seller won't let him, so he gets two of his toadies to play Dino songs from a boat behind the seller's house?"

"Yeah."

"That would have worked much better if they had used this album."

"Hey, this is one of my favorite records."

"You really shouldn't admit that either."

"I wonder if Mildred and Julie Ann have a Myspace page."

"This is bad, but not as assaultive as it needs to be. I wish I hadn't thrown away all those StryperLPs back in the eighties."

"You want something assaultive?"

"Come on, this is a band with like four dozen banjos!"

"They should have titled their album BANJO ASSAULT 3: RELENTLESS BANJOS!"

"BAY AREA BANJO ORGY, 1981."

"Maybe you should get out your banjo."

"Maybe you should shut the hell up. Besides, it has a broken string."

"This isn't working."

"Don't you wonder if all this is having the opposite effect, like maybe he's in there with his hands over his ears convinced that our home is a place filled with strange and terrifying music that he never wants to leave the womb for."

"Well, I guess he'd be kind of right, wouldn't he?"