This one was discovered during my days scrapping abandoned Detroit public school libraries before the snow ruined everything. It's so silly and deeply earnest I just had to make fun of it. Text is my own. The book is available on amazon if seeing the original text is that important to you.
This is Reginald Blaine Van Hoof III. His family has lived in their lovely brownstone on the Upper Upper West Side for many generations. His father is a hardworking investment banker with Goldman Sachs. One time Reginald took the 3 train to try to see his father, but he wasn't at the office. Reginald's mother gave him a stern look when he returned. "Someday you'll see your father," she promised.
One day, a monkey came through his window and handed him a large lollipop. "Reginald," he said. "Your father has sent me bearing this magical gift. He wishes he could spend more time with you, but he's busy earning the money to pay your Princeton tuition and Ivy Club dues so that one day you too may be paid millions to manipulate the markets with a mere modicum of intelligence. That's how all this works. Oh, and he also bangs a lot of hookers (don't tell your mom)."
"Wow," said Reginald. "A Magic Lollipop! I wonder what it can do!"
The magic lollipop did everything his father couldn't. It even took Reginald fishing at their estate on the north Hudson.
The magic lollipop gave Reginald a manly moustache so he could talk tough to the bullies his father couldn't protect him from.
The magic lollipop even helped Reginald realize his dream of becoming an internationally-famous bluegrass musician.
But Reginald quickly tired of the fame and pressure of being the most recognized banjo player north of 110th St.
The magic lollipop helped Reginald escape his fans while hosting the finest ice cream socials for other trust fund kids in the family's rooftop garden.
It even put his sister in her place when she dared question the power of the magic lollipop.
"WITH THIS MAGIC LOLLIPOP I WIELD THE ULTIMATE POWER IN THE UNIVERSE. I AM REGINALD BLAINE VAN HOOF III, DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!!!"
"Now what have you got there, Reggie? A magic lollipop from your father? Give it to me."
"Awww yeah, let's see what kind of magic he put into this lollipop for me."
Soon the magic lollipop was gone, and so were the moustaches, the ice cream socials, the fickle Manhattan bluegrass fans, the fishing trips, and that feeling of wielding the ultimate power in the universe. But in end, what Reginald learned was that that none of those things could ever replace a father.
THE END
