A few months ago some guy came from the cable company and told us if we didn't let him install the digital box he had under his arm, we would only get eleven channels. Now I hadn't seen a legitimate cable box since 1987 when my parents agreed to a trial run of premium cable and I believed the HBO feature presentation intro was exactly what it looked like to die and go to heaven.
We get free basic cable as part of where we live, and I guess this is digital cable now, which must have something to do with being able to see the names of the programs when I push menu or info or something. Before I used to just call everything that came on the television Who the Fuck Got Paid to Make this Shit. Now I realize these shows have actual names, which is helpful for recognizing when other bloggers are talking about television programs and not sexually-charged anatomy textbooks or actual angry advertising executives. I do appreciate that this function allowed me to find my new favorite show, American Pickers (which has nothing to do with boogers, it turns out). It's okay, but let's be honest: all TV's been shite since Estelle Getty died.
My wife still doesn't know how to use this newfangled remote, so while I'm searching through the channels for one of her beloved Law & Order derivations, I often see the names of various reality series and imagine they were just slightly different so that I could actually take interest. For example:
1. Kim and Chloe Take Milwaukee
2. The Real Housewives of New Hampshire
3. Dog the County Coroner
4. Gene Simmons' Syphilitic Genitals
5. America's Next Famous Quilter* (alternatively, So You Think You Can Quilt?)
6. Eighteen Years and Counting: Duggar Girls Gone Wild
7. Last Urchin Standing
8. Extreme Combovers
9. The Cougar, Season Two:
10. The Cougar, Season Two Reunion Special:
After all the serious stuff lately, I figured it was time for some old-school lousy photoshopping (see here, here, here, here, and here for previous examples). New posts tomorrow.
