Now that Republican front-runner Donald Trump has finally put to rest the important issue of whether or not our beleagured president was born on American soil, I think it's high time that The Donald turn his attention to the little-known but highly important matter of the rise of the Obama Oil Corporation and its expanding presence here in the city of Detroit, where the total lack of a right-wing population has allowed this private presidential enterprise to go unnoticed by even our most beloved conservative commentators. A third "Obama Oil" petroleum station recently celebrated its Grand Opening along Joy Road here in Detroit with a week of socialist death panels, gift certificates for UAW members, and free handouts of loaves and fishes to welfare mothers driving Cadillacs:
Now, some left-wing conspiracy theorists might mouth off about how this is just local entrepreneur (and gas station owner) Sam Bazzi's probably-illegal effort to use Obama's name and image to pander to an urban population particularly proud of their president, but isn't it far more likely that a powerful cabal of Kenyan Islamists have granted their cousin (our president) a lucrative monopoly on imported Kenyan oil and that our secret-Muslim president has also been tapping the United States Strategic Petroleum Reserve in order to keep gas prices down at his own socialist stations while the prices at the pumps of stations owned by those poor, multinational corporations subject to the free market are forced above $4 in order to reap billions in annual profit? I mean, come on, when is the last time you saw gas for $3.859/10 at your local Shell or Exxon station?
Come on Donald, now is not the time to start questioning what grades Barack Obama received in eleventh-grade gym class. If you want to be our next president, I say you've got to force our current one to provide notarized evidence that he's not operating a series of gas stations on the west side of Detroit on behalf of the fundamentalist Islamic hegemony that secretly bankrolled his 2008 campaign.