Wife: What are you letting him watch in there?

Me: It's just the last scene of Predator, where Arnold gets all covered in mud for the fistfight with the alien. Every Arnold Schwarzenegger movie ends with a fistfight.

Wife: Even Junior?

Me: Especially Junior.

Wife: Isn't that movie a little violent for him?

Me: Action movies from the eighties were less violent than your average toy commercial on Nick Jr. today. It's true. I read about it in The New York Times.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: You're one ugly mother [bleep].

Me: See, it's edited for television. He says he wants to be the Predator for Halloween next year.

Wife: Don't google "child Predator costumes" unless you want to get us on an FBI watch list or something.

Me: He could have a Predator mask with a white van and a bag of candy.

Wife: Or a Predator mask with a boy scout leader uniform and a bag of candy.

Me: I could be Chris Hansen and catch him in a net.

Son: I don't want to be the Predator she's a mother so that means she's a girl. I want to be the Creditor.

Wife: . . .

Me: . . .

Wife: He could have a Predator mask and a bunch of manilla folders that say "bankruptcy filings."

Me: Good choice, kid. The Creditor is way scarier than the Predator.

W: Look at those costumes! I thought that Will Farrell movie was a parody, not a documentary.
J: I think that pair represents Edhardystan's first medal contenders since ice dancing became an Olympic sport.
W. Ooh, I see a tramp stamp!
* * * * *
W: Italy is ice dancing to the theme song from Godfather, Part 2. Really, guys?
J. He does kind of look like Fredo.
W. Last night the Israelis ice danced to Hava Nagila.
J. I didn't know the Israelis hava ice rink.
W.  Yeah, where's the Disney movie about that?
* * * * *
J. How awesome would it be if the Americans ice danced to Mellencamp? I'm thinking R-O-C-K in the USA. . .in white wife-beaters.
W. I'm just really hoping the Russians ice dance to the theme song from Tetris.

"Why do you always change the car radio to that soft rock channel? It's like a game of Buffett Roulette."

"Sorry, baby. Did you accidentally listen to half of The Pina Colada Song before you realized it wasn't NPR?"

"No. For some reason they were playing She's Like the Wind on repeat."

"Patrick Swayze died. You need to get on twitter."

"Did they take a break from Kanye Outrage to mourn Swayze?"

"For a few minutes yesterday."

"Man, I hope Whoopi Goldberg can still help Swayze stop that remake of Red Dawn."

"That's not cool."

"Please, how many of these so-called mourners can say they have both Black Dog and Steel Dawn on DVD?

"He died so young. Think of all the movies he'll never make."

"True. But we should take a moment to be thankful that Kurt Russell is still with us."

"Owwwwwwwww!"
"What happened?"
"Oharghwawww. Just stepped on another goddamn plastic Pegasus."
"How many does she have now? That herd is multiplying."
"Oh God, there's blood."
"Pegasus, what happened to being the winged-equine friend of man?"
"Just be grateful she's not into unicorns."

Excited Local Girl. No one has ever worn this before?

Grandmother. It's brand new. You can wear it right now.

Excited Local Girl. We don't need to wash it first? Are you sure it doesn't have bugs or germs on it?

Grandmother. I'm sure.

Excited Local Girl. I'm going to put it on right now!

Santa. Hello, Princess. Let me guess. Do you like Dora?

Terrified Local Girl. [silence]

Santa. Should I bring you a Hannah Montana toy?

Terrified Local Girl. [silence]

Santa. Barbie? Ariel? Tinkerbell?

Local Dad. Yeah, she doesn't really watch television.

Santa. [bites his lip, shaking his head] Not even Spongebob?

Local Dad. Not really.

Santa. [staring ruefully at Local Dad] Well, Princess, maybe this will be the year Santa finally brings you a television set.

W. Do you remember that show from the eighties about an alien girl who could freeze time by touching her fingertips together?

J. You mean Out of this World? Evie was only half-alien. Burt Reynolds was the voice of her father who spoke to her from another planet through a cube in her bedroom [starts singing the theme song].*

W. I always wished I had that power, to freeze the world by touching my fingertips together.

J. Didn't they make a movie about that a couple of years ago, where Jim Carrey or maybe that lovable fat guy from King of Queens had a remote control that could pause the universe?

W. It was Adam Sandler.

J. What would you do, if you could freeze the universe with your fingertips?

W. I think I would just take a nap. For three whole days. . .What about you?

J. I would probably try to get some work done on my screenplay about the two widowed fundamentalists with more than a dozen children each who fall in love and marry to form one of those blended Super Families.

W. Wasn't there a new blended Super Family movie only a couple years ago?

J. Yeah, but the one with Steve Martin only had twelve kids. And the one with Randy Quaid and Rene Russo was eighteen kids. Mine will have---get this---36 kids and hopefully star Kurt Russell and Queen Latifah.

W. Way better.

J. Yeah. We'll call it Home Schooled.

________

*To pass time on long car trips, my sister and I used to try to stump each other by singing the theme songs to the various situation comedies we watched obsessively. I can vividly remember being an 11-year-old white boy singing the soulful 227 theme while crossing the Illinois/Wisconsin border.

"He pitched himself right off again yesterday. This bed is the one piece of modern furniture in our house that's actually more child-friendly than its traditional counterpart. It's only like six inches off the ground."

"Did he cry?"

"A little. He was more stunned than anything."

"Look: he's trying to do it again."

"Don't worry, I've got him by the cankles. I think I heard somebody on TV quote Einstein to say, 'doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results' is the very definition of insanity. Thus, according to Einstein, all babies are insane. At least this one is."

"Clearly, then, you are also insane for thinking you're not going to pee on his feet the next time you use a urinal while wearing him in the baby bjorn."

"Touché."

"One of my first memories is taking a nap on a waterbed at a babysitter's house."

"What ever happened to waterbeds? Does anyone still have a waterbed?"

"There was a skylight in the room and a man up on the roof fixing it. He kept making scary faces at me. It was very traumatic."

"Maybe we should get a waterbed."

"They smell like hairy shower curtains."

"Most of my earliest memories are of visiting my dad after the divorce. I guess those memories stick out more than all the normal days I spent with my mom."

"All I really remember are small traumas or separations. Like how after a night of good sleep, you only recall details from the one nightmare."

"It hardly seems fair."

"Fair? If you're talking about parenthood, I don't think fairness ever really gets to be a part of the equation."

"Maybe he's waiting for us to choose a better name before he comes out."

"Why? What could possibly be wrong with Travis?"

"I told you, we're not naming him Travis."

"Well, let's just wait to see if he looks like a Travis. Or a Roy."

"Look what she did to my wallet. My cards are all in her toy oven. Was she trying to make a debit-card casserole? At least I didn't have any cash in there."

"You never have cash in there."

"You can't spend what you don't have."

"While you were in shower, she was walking around with your credit card and her toy phone. She was saying, 'I am going to order it!' and 'Time to order it now!' she brought it over to the table and said, "I am going to order it for you now, Kitty.'"

"What was she trying to order?"

"Who knows. Whatever was in her virtual shopping cart, I guess."

"Oh well. At least there isn't candy in the checkout aisle on the internet."